NEELIX AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR TOOTHBRUSH
by Heartwings
Summary: A JC story written for a die, Neelix, die challenge, this tongue in cheek tale will have you ROTFLOL as JC and the rest try to get rid of a most annoying little Talaxian!  Warning: character death Duh!


Title: Neelix and the Amazing Technicolor Toothbrush

Author: Heartwings PG13

Length: 17,657 words

Genre: Star Trek Voyager J/C

Disclaimer: Characters owned by Paramount, maintained by fanfic writers worldwide.

Written for the J/C Fic Haven Die Neelix Die contest. Warning: Neelix dies- Duh! This is a tongue in cheek piece, they wouldn't really kill Neelix, would they???

**NEELIX AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR TOOTHBRUSH **

Janeway and Chakotay settled into Kathryn's ready room sofa to plan out the next week's schedule. They had located an uninhabited class M planet, which had provided rich harvests of food and would now provide a safe place to hide Voyager behind while they took critical systems offline for much needed repairs and maintenance. The planet's warm tropical climate should also provide for a couple days of well deserved R&R after all the repairs and maintenance had been finished.

Chakotay looked over the maintenance duty roster and shore leave rotations he had completed on his PADD one more time and, satisfied that it was perfect, handed it to Kathryn for her approval.

She looked over it carefully, grimacing here and there, and finally punched her thumbprint of approval into it. "It looks good, Chakotay, although I don't think it's going to make B'Elanna very happy, but I do see you gave her and Tom 48 hours of leave at the end, so that should keep your head off the Klingon platter at least."

He groaned as she handed it back to him, "Oh, I see, I have to be the one to deliver the bad news to her, do I?" He slid over closer, "Well, Kathryn, since you're making me do your dirty work, I think I should get a little something for it, don't you?"

She rose to her feet and smiled, "What did you have in mind, Commander?"

"How about this?" he asked as he stood, took her into his arms and kissed her behind her left ear.

"Sorry, Commander, not that," she replied as she moaned and leaned her head to the side, to give him better access.

"How about this, then?" he offered as he gently kissed her on the mouth and nipped her lower lip.

She returned the kiss and bit his lip harder, "Nope, can't do that either."

"Ouch! Well then, maybe I could have a little bit of these?" Chakotay suggested as he slid his hands towards her breasts.

She grabbed his hands and twisted them away before they met their mark, "Sorry, not that either, you know my rules about my ready room; nothing in here we wouldn't do on the bridge, my dear."

He sighed in defeat, "What is it with you, Kathryn, do you have a force field around those things or what? I can never get to them! OK, I give up, for the time being anyhow, but I reserve the right to continue my reconnaissance in your quarters after dinner! I would like to remind you that you just bit my lower lip, care to go out on the bridge and do that again?" he asked, with a wicked smile.

"Hump! Momentary lapse in protocols due to overwork and extreme hunger, that's all! Well, let me get myself put back together and then I guess we should put in an appearance in the mess hall, Neelix has something planned with all the new food, some Talaxian holiday or other. Have you ever noticed how many Talaxian holidays there seem to be?"

"As a matter of fact, I have, it seems like every other day is some sort of Talaxian holiday. I wonder if they really have all those holidays or he just makes them up when he wants to have a party or take a day off?"

Kathryn grinned as she tucked some stray locks of hair back into place, "Well, how would we know? It's not like there's anything in the database on Talaxian culture, so I can't exactly look it up. C'mon, I'm starving, I hear the haul from that planet was good and I just hope Neelix didn't manage to mess it up."

"I wouldn't hold your breath, Kathryn!"

Janeway and Chakotay returned from the mess hall stuffed to the pips. The planet had provided a rich haul of succulent fruits and vegetables that Neelix had managed to prepare without ruining them with his usual assortment of Talaxian spices, thanks to the replicators being offline for maintenance. They collapsed on the sofa in Janeway's quarters and leaned back, disgusted with themselves for having overindulged. Chakotay belched loudly and loosened his pants.

"Gawd, Chakotay, that's disgusting… and you can just zip those pants back up and power down your thrusters, I assure you I'm not in the mood, you're not getting anywhere with me tonight."

He belched again, "Do I ever? Don't worry, Kathryn, I'm not in the mood either, I feel like I'm going to explode, oh am I sorry I ate so much! I couldn't zip my pants back up if my life depended on it, it was all I could do to get my boots off, I think my feet are bloated too."

She loosened her pants and kicked off her boots as she let out a sigh of relief. "Neither could I, if I had the strength I'd go put on something loose and baggy, but I don't think seeing Earth out the window could get me up off this couch right now. The next time I put so much on my tray, please stun me before I can eat it."

He groaned as he put his feet up on the coffee table, "No, that would take too much effort, I'll just tell B'Elanna you're the one that made up that duty roster. Oh, Kathryn, I don't know when I've ever felt this bad!"

She stifled a burp as she pulled out her shirt tail out to give her overloaded belly more room. "Nor do I. Oh, gawd, excuse me! I suppose we'd feel better if we took a walk, but I don't think I could drag myself up off this couch, much less out that door."

"Argh!" Chakotay moaned as he tried to get more comfortable. "Kathryn, I think we're getting too old for this. You want to play a game or two of chess?"

She considered his proposition as she looked at the chess set, on a shelf across the room. "No, one of us would have to get up to get the chess set. There's some playing cards in the drawer of the coffee table, how about we play cards, that way neither of us would have to get up."

He managed to sit up long enough to pull the drawer open and retrieve the cards before he collapsed back into a gaseous heap on the end of the sofa. Chakotay began to slowly shuffle the cards as he wiggled his eyebrows and asked, "Strip poker, Kathryn?"

She mustered the energy to kick him, "Very funny! The way I feel, you'd decide it was Old Maids as soon as you got my clothes off, I'm afraid. How about a playing Honeymooners' Bridge again?"

"Bridge it is!" he exclaimed as he dealt out the cards. "Oh, Kathryn, can you reach a PADD, how are we going to keep score?"

She looked up at her PADD on the desk across the room. "Forget keeping score, I always end up losing anyhow, I just haven't figured out yet how it is you cheat." She giggled to herself as she arranged her hand, "You know, if you ever try to collect what I owe you on all our Honeymooners' Bridge games when we get back, I'll have to end up turning over however many years of captain's pay… and my house… and my car… and then some to you to settle up the debt."

He grinned as he peeked over his hand and nudged her feet, "One club, and I'd forgive the debt if you'd play Honeymooners' Bridge with me on a real honeymoon, Kathryn."

"One no trump… and if you think I'd ever marry a man who wanted to play cards on his honeymoon, think again, Chakotay!"

After a few hands of cards, Kathryn and Chakotay fell asleep at opposite ends of the sofa, with Chakotay still clutching his cards and Kathryn cradling a throw pillow to her chest. The rest of the deck fell to the floor and joined their shoes and socks. After a couple hours of napping, Kathryn awoke and glanced at the chronometer; it was after midnight. She kicked Chakotay until he woke up.

Dazed for a second, he looked at his cards and shouted, "Two diamonds!" as he sat back up.

Kathryn laughed as she picked up the pillow from her lap and threw it at him. "Chakotay, it's after midnight, we fell asleep. I'm tired and I don't feel too well, maybe you should go home, you don't look too good either."

"Trust me, I feel even worse than I look, I'm sure." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Goodnight, Kathryn, I hope we both feel better in the morning. Sleep well."

She slid off the couch to her hands and knees as he helped pull her to her feet. "You too, at least we can sleep in, we both have beta shift tomorrow, don't we?"

"You can thank your first officer for that, Captain!" He blew her a kiss as he left.

Kathryn took a quick shower and rummaged around in her bathroom for some antacid tablets to take before she collapsed on her bed, again lamenting her overindulgence in the mess hall. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow, but tossed and turned with discomfort from her indigestion. She awoke and considered going to sick bay, but decided her current discomfort was better than having to endure the EMH's lecture on the evils of overeating and then falling asleep. She drifted back into a fitful sleep and awoke a few minutes later, balled up and grasping at her abdomen in pain.

Realizing she was really in severe pain now and suffering from more than just ordinary indigestion, she called sick bay, but fell back into a heap when she remembered the memo that the comm system would be down for maintenance after 2400 hours. She yelled at the bulkhead separating her quarters from Chakotay's, but received no reply. Desperate for help, she finally managed to grab a book off her night table and used it to pound on the wall until she heard him pound back and yell that he'd be right there.

As Chakotay entered Kathryn's bedroom, he found her curled up in the fetal position and moaning in agony. "Kathryn, what's wrong?"

She moaned as she wrapped her arms around herself, "Oh, Chakotay, I think I'm sick, really sick, comm system down, I need to get to sick bay."

Chakotay raised the illumination in the room, pulled her up and smoothed her hair back to get a good look at her. "Kathryn, you look terrible and you're burning up! Let me get your robe and I'll get you to sick bay, I'll have to carry you."

Before he could get her robe on her, Kathryn pushed him aside and bolted off the bed screaming, "Bathroom, now!" Unfortunately she didn't quite make it and she and her stomach contents parted ways about half way there, all over the carpet, as she moaned and fell to the floor.

Chakotay scooped her up and ran all the way to sick bay with her as she continued to wretch and moan. As he entered sick bay with Kathryn, Chakotay was met with the sight of about two dozen crewmen, all vomiting into any available container, and Kes scrambling around after them as fast as she could.

The doctor emerged from his office, exasperated as a hologram could be as he spoke, "Just put her down over there on the floor, we're out of beds, I'll get to her as soon as I can." With an arrogant flourish, he disappeared back into his lab. Kes looked up, smiled plaintively and went back to tending her patients.

Chakotay continued to hold Kathryn, cradling her and reassuring her as she moaned. Impatient that the EMH was apparently ignoring them, he finally carried her into the lab and spoke up, "Doctor, I am not just going to dump **the captain **down on the floor! She's sick, she needs help… now!"

The doctor did not look up and continued with his work as he spoke, "Commander, in case you hadn't noticed, there are twenty some sick people here and I only have two hands, one assistant and a dozen beds, we're doing the best that we can. I suggest that you find a place for her and get her something to vomit into because, trust me, if she hasn't already, she will. I am analyzing samples right now, if you'd let me, perhaps I can find out why these people are sick and help them." He took a moment to scan her with his tricorder. "She may feel like hell, but she isn't as sick as some of my other patients, at least she's conscious." He pressed a hypo spray to her neck, "This may help a bit, but so far nothing much is having any effect on the symptoms, so just take her back out there, find yourselves a nice spot and try to make sure she vomits into something. As soon as I can figure out what it is, I assure you I will treat her."

"Fine!" Chakotay exclaimed with indignity as he left, realizing that he had little choice. He was not feeling well either, but certainly better than the rest of the people in sick bay.

Kes met him as he left with Kathryn and she wiped her face with a cool towel as she spoke. "Here, Commander, I made a place for her over here by the supply locker. I'm sorry, the doctor is a bit testy now, he has no idea why so may people are so sick, if it's food poisoning, infectious, environmental or what. Three more people have come in since you did." She wiped Kathryn's forehead again as she moaned. "It's OK, Captain, we'll take care of you. Just put her down and I'll be right back with a blanket and something for her to vomit into."

Chakotay forced a smile as he sat down on the floor and held Kathryn on his lap as she slept. "Thank you, Kes, I'm sure you're doing your best. The next time an able bodied crewman comes in here, send them over and I'll see to it that they go get you all the help you need, I guess the bridge is not aware of the problem as the captain and I weren't informed." He looked at Kathryn and then back to Kes, "I'm not leaving her."

She handed him a blanket, metal basin and a cold compress. "Vorik carried Yamana in here just before you got here, so I sent him to the bridge to inform them we apparently have some sort of epidemic on our hands. He's going to grab some people and set up some cots in the cargo bay for a makeshift hospital ward. I'm sure Tuvok will send help as soon as he can. It seems, so far, whatever it is isn't affecting any of the Vulcans. I'll be back as soon as I can, Sir." Kes rushed off at the sound of another crewman entering and vomiting all over the floor.

Chakotay wrapped Kathryn in the blanket and wiped the sweat from her brow. She woke and sat up, again moaning loudly. He nuzzled her hair softly, "How do you feel, Kathryn?"

"Ohhhhh!" she moaned, "I feel like I want to die, I swear, I've never felt this bad in my life. Oh, Chakotay, I'm going to be sick again…. **now**!" Chakotay held the basin up as she heaved into it several times. When she was done he wiped her face and hugged her as she drifted back off to sleep. Considering her condition, he thought it best not to inform her of the current situation of an apparent epidemic as she was in no shape to handle it. As he laid her down gently and got up to empty the basin, Chakotay suddenly felt dizzy and sank back to the floor, emptying his stomach into it before he curled up next to Kathryn and drifted off to sleep.

Kathryn felt a cramping pain in her abdomen and awoke. She tried to sit up, but felt immediately dizzy and sank back down. She managed to get one eye open and saw the doctor hovering over her.

"Good morning, Captain, how are we feeling?"

"We… feel like crap, Doctor. What's… oh… what's wrong with me? Ouch!"

"Sorry, just a little stick for some IV fluids, you're dehydrated." She tried to sit up. "I wouldn't do that, it will make the nausea worse." She ignored him and sat up, clutching at the agonizing pain in her belly. As the pain got worse, she again wretched and vomited violently, luckily the doctor managed to get a basin up to her in time to catch it. "I told you so, Captain. Lie back down, you won't feel so dizzy and that should help your nausea. If you won't lie down, I'll tie you to the bed so that you do. Lie down, that's an order."

Not used to taking orders on her ship, Kathryn hit the bed with a thud and gritted her teeth. "Tie me to this bed and I'll tie you to the back of the ship and drag you home, Doctor! What's wrong with me, I've never felt worse in my life. This isn't sick bay, where am I?"

"You're in cargo bay one, we had so many patients we had to set up an overflow ward in here; I have the worst cases in sick bay, it seems whatever it is, it's most severe in the Bajorans and related species.

Kathryn held her hand to her mouth as she burped loudly. "Pardon me, how many people are sick, do you have any idea what it is. Doctor? Oh, can't you do anything about this gas and nausea… and the pain?"

"I've given you everything I can, traditional treatments for the symptoms have proven to be ineffective thus far; this is not a common stomach flu. I don't know what it is yet, all I can tell you is it doesn't appear to have been caused by exposure to any sort of radiation and, so far, none of the Vulcans have been affected, but I can't tell you why. I have twelve patients in sick bay and 57 in here. Several crewman got sick a full 24 hours before the rest did and, if all of you have the same thing, I can tell you it won't be pleasant and more symptoms will develop."

"Ohhh, gawd, don't tell me this gets worse!" Kathryn exclaimed as she doubled up with cramping pain again.

"Unfortunately, yes, the nausea will continue and the others that got sick first have developed severe diarrhea, flatulence and a rather purulent rash."

"Oh, get a phaser and just shoot me now! Chakotay, where's Chakotay, is he alright? Who's in command? Oh, my head! The first to get sick, were they on the planet?"

"Relax, Captain, Tuvok is on the bridge and he's fine. Chakotay is sick too, he's in the cot next to yours, he's asleep right now. I initially suspected something from the planet, but the first crewmen to fall ill didn't beam down and got sick before anyone had beamed back; the illness doesn't seem to be more prevalent among those who did beam down. Those first cases didn't eat in the mess hall before becoming ill, which suggests it isn't food poisoning. If you will excuse me, I have to insert a few more IVs and get back to my lab. When I have any news, I will inform you, Captain, just try to get some sleep and don't try to get up without assistance. If you need to vomit again, your basin is on the floor, to your left."

"Yes, Doctor, thank you." Kathryn looked to her left to locate her basin and saw Chakotay curled up on his cot, looking worse than she had ever seen him. His hand was dangling over the side, so she reached down and squeezed it. His eyes opened for a second and he smiled and squeezed back before he fell back asleep. Hearing the familiar gagging that preceded vomiting, Kathryn looked to her right to see B'Elanna desperately fumbling for the basin beside her cot. Kathryn rolled to the floor and got it to her, just in time, and held her hair back as she leaned over the side of the cot and heaved into the basin and then mumbled in Klingon as her eyes rolled back into her head and she laid back down. Kathryn sat on the floor and pulled B'Elanna's blanket back up, "It's OK, B'E, you'll feel better soon."

She drew up her knees and rolled to face Kathryn. "Ohhhh, Caaa… Captain, I'm sorry."

Kathryn patted her hand, "Nothing to be sorry about, try and get some rest." Kathryn crawled back to her cot and held her aching ribs as she drifted back to sleep too.

She slept through the morning and awoke mid afternoon, feeling a bit better. Kathryn glanced over at Chakotay and he was asleep, but his color looked better and his facial expression was more peaceful, so perhaps he was feeling better too. She looked to B'Elanna, who smiled faintly and rolled over to face her.

"Hi, Captain, feeling better?"

"Hi, B'Elanna, yes a little, but I still feel awful. How's Tom, is he sick too? Have you heard anything about why everyone is so sick?"

"No, Ma'am, but I just woke up a little before you did. Tom is sick too, he's in here somewhere, but, far as I know, Harry and Tuvok are OK. Here comes Kes, maybe she knows something."

Kes smiled and handed each of them a bottle of water. "Small sips, I know you're probably thirsty, but just a little at a time, ladies. Vorik is passing out crackers and should be along shortly, same thing, just a little bite at a time. If you overdo it, it'll be right back up."

Kathryn took a sip of water and had a hard time making it go down. "How's Chakotay?"

Kes looked at him and smiled warmly, "He's asleep, Captain, he had a bad bout of vomiting, but he's been asleep for the last hour or two. He should feel better when he wakes up."

Kathryn grimaced as she forced down another sip of water. "Good, any news from the doctor?"

"No, Ma'am, but he's hard at work and should be here to check on everyone shortly. It appears the illness is not life threatening, just very unpleasant."

"Oh, you can say that again. Kes, can you help me up, I need to use the toilet, please, I think phase two is kicking in."

Kes looked to the back of the room and then back to the captain. "Well, Captain, as I'm sure you know there's only one bathroom in the cargo bay and there's seven people in line. I don't think you're well enough yet to stand, I'll go get you a bedpan."

Janeway looked around and then looked at Kes sheepishly. "Kes, there's no privacy here."

"I'm sorry, Captain, we just have to do the best we can I'm afraid. Just wrap your blanket around yourself and make a little tent, that's the way everyone's handling it as most are too sick to get to the bathroom. Of course, you're the captain, if you're able, I'll help you over there and I'm sure the crew will let you to the head of the line."

Janeway sighed as she laid back down, "No, the bedpan's fine, I'm not pulling rank in the latrine line, Kes, and I don't think I could stand long enough to wait my turn."

Kes smiled, "Yes, Ma'am, I'll be right back. How about you, Lt. Torres, do you need a bedpan too?"

B'Elanna sat up on her elbows and huffed, "In front of all these people? No way, Kes." She looked around until she spied Vorik passing out crackers and called to him, "Hey, Vorik, get over here!" Vorik came immediately and offered crackers. "Vorik, forget the damn crackers, grab a couple able bodies and go to cargo bay three and dig thru the emergency field supplies and get all the crappers we got and get them set up in here on the double!"

"Crappers, yes, Ma'am!" he replied as he turned on his heels and swiftly departed.

"Problem solved!" she exclaimed as she settled back down on her cot.

Janeway looked at her sternly, "B'Elanna, while I highly commend your idea, perhaps you could have chosen a less …. colorful term for portable toilets, especially with a Vulcan."

B'Elanna chuckled as she took a sip of water, "Captain, Starfleet's official designation for port-a-pots is: '**C**rew **R**estroom **A**ccommodations- **P**ortable', you do the math, Ma'am, they're commonly called crappers." She shrugged off Janeway's look of disbelief, "You can check, Captain, only Starfleet could come up with that name for porta potties, trust me, the fleet really does call them crappers, Ma'am!"

Janeway thought for a moment and laughed, "I believe you, B'E, I must have missed that at command school, but you're right and only some deskbound idiot at Starfleet could have come up with a name like that. Good thinking, that should help out a lot. Unfortunately I don't think I can wait that long. Kes!"

Kes held a blanket around Kathryn for privacy as she used the bedpan. Unfortunately, given the situation, that was the best that could be done until Vorik and his crew got the portable toilets set up in the cargo bay. As she laid back down she looked over to Chakotay and he opened his eyes and managed a pathetic smile. "Hi there," she said as she reached out her hand to him, "How are you feeling?"

He moaned as he grasped her hand weakly, "Ohhh, like I've just gone ten rounds with a Gorn, my gut feels like it's on fire. How are you, Kathryn?"

"A little better, haven't vomited in a couple hours, but phase two is kicking in."

"Phase two?" he questioned.

"Diarrhea… and I'm starting to get a rash where you really don't want a rash. Here, would you like a sip of water?"

"Please. I may be getting that too." He looked at the long line at the rest room door. "Why's there such a long line, can't they set up a bunch of crappers in here?"

Kathryn looked at him in disbelief, "Am I the only person on this ship who has never heard of crappers?"

"Apparently so, Ma'am!" came from the bed to her right. Chakotay looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. She laid back down and nibbled at her cracker, dozing off for a few minutes before the doctor arrived and woke her.

"Any news, Doctor?"

"Yes, Captain, the good news is I know what caused it. The bad news is there's really no effective treatment, the illness just has to run its course I'm afraid, but it isn't fatal, it will resolve itself… in a few days… a week at the most."

B'Elanna and Chakotay turned to listen as Kathryn asked, "What is it, Doctor?"

"Food poisoning."

She rubbed her forehead in confusion, "But I thought you said the first people to get sick didn't eat in the mess hall and the food replicators are offline for maintenance?"

"I did, Captain, and because of that I was initially working on the theory that it was infectious and not food borne. It seems those long green scaly fruits from the planet the crew's dubbed nana-gators are the cause. Unfortunately they were apparently quite delicious, so many of the crew ate them in the mess hall. The first to get sick were working in the cargo bay receiving the containers as they were beamed up and they stole some of them and ate them there, that's why they got sick, even though they never ate in the mess hall."

Still confused, Kathryn asked, "Wasn't the alien food scanned for safety, didn't you personally approve of it before it was beamed up? I'm sure I saw your approval on the manifest report, didn't I?"

"Of course, Captain, however the issue seems to be that the fruit in question fermented quickly once it had been removed from the vine and produced a toxin not unlike Earth's Ipecacuanha plant. Since syrup of ipecac does not act as an emetic in Vulcans, that probably explains why none of them are ill."

"Lucky Vulcans! Doctor, if all the food from the planet was again scanned per regulations immediately prior to being served, why didn't the toxin show up?"

"Well, therein lies the problem, apparently Mr. Neelix was so excited about the meal that he neglected to scan the alien food again immediately prior to serving it. If he had, the tricorder would no doubt have detected the toxin in the fruit and alerted him to it. I have sent a full report on the incident to Mr. Tuvok and a copy is on your desk. Well, Captain, if there is nothing else, I have other patients to attend to."

"Doctor, wait, you mean to tell me that idiot Neelix poisoned more than half my crew?"

"Yes, Captain."

"And, is Neelix sick?"

"No, Captain, he ate plenty of the fruit, but it apparently has no ill effects on Talaxanians either, cruel quirk of fate that it is." The doctor stood and smiled, "Ah, the crappers have arrived! That should help to handle phase two nicely, I'll check in on you later."

The news caused Kathryn to empty her stomach again, unfortunately onto her bed. She sat up, balled up her blanket and threw it to the floor in anger as she managed to stand up. Many of the crew had overheard her conversation with the doctor and had gathered 'round her cot. Vorik came over to report that the crappers were set up and in service and he bent down to whisper something into Kathryn's ear. Her head was swimming and she couldn't understand him over the murmur of the crowd, so she asked him to speak up. He hesitated, so she, being totally exasperated and devoid of patience at this point, demanded to know what he had to say. "Speak up, Ensign!"

He stood up straight, cleared his throat and announced, "Captain, I said your hospital gown is open in the back."

"Oh dear!!" Kathryn blushed as she grabbed her sheet and wrapped it around her as she sank back down to sit on her cot.

A voice from the crowd asked, "Captain, is it true Neelix is the one who made us all so sick?"

"Yes, quite true."

Various other voices queried:,

"He's the reason we've all been puking our guts out for two days now?"

"Because of Neelix I can't control my bowels and have to wear a diaper?"

"It's Neelix's fault I barfed all over Lieutenant Thompson?"

"You mean, because of Neelix I just had to use a bedpan while my entire department watched?

"And I have that Talaxian toad to thank that I had to lie there and let Crewman Chell give me a sponge bath, Captain?"

Kathryn covered her mouth as she burped loudly, "Yes, I'm afraid so, we have Neelix to thank for all this."

B'Elanna growled at the top of her lungs and slowly got to her feet. She waved a roll of toilet paper in the air and shouted, "Die, Neelix, Die!"

The crew joined her and soon they were all chanting 'Die, Neelix Die!' along with her. Those still unable to get out of bed were banging their metal bedpans on the floor and shouting along. Chakotay, concerned about the disorder, leaned over and asked Kathryn if she weren't going to do something about it.

"Yes, Chakotay, I am. Because of Neelix I've never felt worse in my life, I've vomited all over myself, all over you too, I just had to use a bedpan in front of half my crew and however many people just saw my bare fanny, which has a rash all over it that's getting worse by the minute. You bet your life I'm going to do something about this!" Kathryn struggled to her feet, grabbed B'Elanna's toilet paper and tossed it into the air, shouting "Die, Neelix, Die!" along with the rest of her crew.

As Kes walked into the midst of the crowd they fell to a hush, realizing that they were talking about her mate. She wiped tears from her eyes as she spoke, "For the last two days I have had to clean up an ocean of vomit, some of it off of me, listen to swear words I didn't even know, empty your bedpans, wipe your butts, spoon feed you and take your flack because the doctor's bedside manner is so lousy and I haven't had any sleep for three days now." She broke down in tears before she continued, "I only have one thing to say to all of you…." Kes stood up on a cot and waved a bedpan over her head as she led the chant, "Die, Neelix, Die!"

As the crowd chanted on, Chakotay took Kathryn aside and sat on a cot with her. "Kathryn, you're serious?"

"Damn right I'm serious, that mangy mottled maggot has been nothing but trouble since he conned his way aboard my ship. He's nothing but a scam artist, he's annoying, dishonest, obtrusive and he's a horrible cook, it's not like this is the first time we've had an epidemic of food poisoning on Voyager, and you know as well as I do he's responsible for all the things that get stolen around here and we won't even go into what he does to coffee. We need to get rid of him and we need to find a way to make it look like an accident so Tuvok won't get suspicious. He can't stand him and his 'Mr. Vulcan' crap either, but he's Chief of Security, so we need to come up with a plan to off Neelix that Tuvok can sign off on as an 'unfortunate accident'. Do you have any ideas?"

"Not offhand, Kathryn, I've never had to come up with an assassination plot before, but I'm with you. That spotted sycophant annoys the hell out of me too, he's always pestering me about something, trying to make me eat slimy pudding, saying my tattoo looks like a web made by drunken spiders, whining about every little thing, his clothes make me even more nauseous than I am now, he smells bad, there's always orange hair in the food and I think he has fleas, lice at the very least. I can't tell you how many repair orders I've had to issue because he breaks everything he touches and he hugs me too much! He also makes fun of me because I… well, because I don't 'get any' and he does."

"Humph! Well, I suggest we give it some thought and, as soon as we're feeling up to it, have a meeting with Tom, B'Elanna and Kes in my quarters to come up with a plan. Kes knows his habits, she may know when it's best to strike and we just have to come up with a plan to do it quickly and efficiently and make it look like an accident. Poisoning him would be the appropriate choice of course, but I'm sure there's nothing in the database about what's toxic to Talaxians and we can't ask the doctor, that would arouse suspicion. We can't afford hit or miss attempts, it has to be a sure thing, slow and painful would be good, but we have to be sure whatever we come up with will kill the Twit of Talax for sure. Chakotay, are you feeling well enough to help me to the toilet, the diarrhea, I need to go again?"

"Yes, so do I, and I'll be damned if Chell is going to watch me use a bedpan again! Maybe it's just me, but I think he enjoys bedpan duty a little too much."

"So I hear, and apparently he enjoys giving sponge baths just a little too much too, if you catch my drift."

Two days later Chakotay, B'Elanna and Tom assembled in Janeway's quarters. Poor Kes was exhausted after caring for everyone so diligently and the doctor had ordered her to bed.

Kathryn pulled herself to her feet and spoke, "Thank you all for dragging yourselves out of bed and coming, I know none of us feel well. On that subject, you know where my bathroom is, no need to ask permission, just go when you need to, this meeting is strictly informal and off the record. Please make yourselves comfortable." Janeway continued as she sat and gathered her bathrobe around her feet, "I'm aware that we all have a certain unfortunate problem… with gas, so no need to be embarrassed. I have the ventilation system set on maximum, I'm sorry about the smell in here, but I got sick on the carpet and maintenance hasn't had a chance to clean it yet."

B'Elanna interrupted, "My quarters stink like a load of targh turds too, Ma'am. I'm sorry, but all the shipkeeping technicians except for Chell and Saunders are sick, so it may be awhile before they can get all the carpets cleaned." She thought for a moment, "Captain, why don't we make Neelix clean all the carpets, and while he's at it, he can take down all the cots and deal with all that soiled bedding and clean the floor in there, clean that mountain of bedpans and vomit basins and take down and disinfect all the crappers too… with his toothbrush, Ma'am!"

"Yeah!" Tom piped up, "He caused this, the least we can do is make him clean up after us! Maybe if we make his life a living hell he'll get off the ship voluntarily at the next planet and solve our problem for us? As for the toothbrush thing, nice touch B'E, but you've seen his teeth and smelled his breath, do you really think Neelix even owns a toothbrush?"

"Alright you two!" Janeway chided, "I agree, there's no reason why we shouldn't make Neelix's life a living hell until we can figure out how to kill him, so I'll order him to clean up everything. B'Elanna, grab a tricorder off my desk and make a list. I'm sure he's expecting a dressing down and disciplinary action, so I'll let into him good, hell hath no fury like Kathryn Janeway so sick she can't drink coffee. Chakotay, have you thought of anything… and will you please sit down!"

"Trust me, Captain, I'd love to sit down, but my rash is so bad I can't. If we reassign Neelix to do all the cleaning up, who's going to fix the food? The replicators are all offline except in sick bay and it'll be a week at least before we have enough able bodied technicians to get them up and running again, more than half the crew still doesn't have the strength to even get dressed yet. If we do away with Neelix, we're going to need a new mess officer, I don't suppose you'd like to volunteer, Captain?"

Janeway cringed at that thought, "No, I wouldn't, you've eaten my cooking, this would soon revert to a Die Janeway Die meeting if I did." She thought for a moment and smiled, "Say, you're a good cook, Chakotay, care to take on the job?"

"No thanks!"

Kathryn picked up her PADD and made a note, "Commander Chakotay, new mess hall officer, thank you for volunteering, Commander!" Chakotay looked at her with desperation, but she raised her hand and silenced him before he had a chance to grouse, "Don't worry, Chakotay, it's only temporary, but it's your responsibility to find someone who can actually cook and assemble a competent mess hall crew… and I bet you look damn cute in an apron!"

"Thanks a lot, Kathryn! OK, people, how are we going to off Neelix?"

Tom spoke up enthusiastically, "How about we send him out in a shuttle and I rig it to explode?"

Janeway nixed that one quickly. "No way, Tom, he's not worth wasting a shuttle on and I'm going to have a hard enough time explaining to Starfleet what happened to all their shuttles as it is. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Mr. Paris?"

"Uh, no, Ma'am. How about we put a bomb in the mess hall and…"

B'Elanna interrupted him, "No way, Explode-O-Boy, you're not going to do anything that would mess up the ship. Kill him yes, but don't make me and my engineers have to cleanup the collateral damage! We need the mess hall, just not the p'tahk that's running it!"

"Agreed," said Janeway, "Explosions are out. Unfortunately poisoning is out too unless someone can figure out a sure fire poison that's fatal to Talaxians and won't show up in an autopsy. An autopsy is SOP on a starship, so whatever we do has to be good enough to fool the EMH into thinking is was accidental. I'd love to go find some Vidiians and sell his body parts to them one by one, but I guess that's out too and I'm pretty sure the Borg wouldn't take him, even they have standards. We need some sort of little accident, he's always having them; that wouldn't look suspicious."

Tom smiled, "How about we send him to clean the exhaust manifolds and have someone 'accidentally' fire up the warp drive before he's finished?"

Janeway shook her head, "No, Tom, I'd have to file a report on that and Starfleet would no doubt court martial whoever did it when we get back…. Unless you'd like to do it and volunteer to go back to prison for say twenty or thirty years?"

"No, Ma'am! He's not worth that. How about plasma coolant, that stuff's really toxic and it would be easy enough to weaken a conduit so it would cause a leak."

B'Elanna nodded as she mulled it over. "True, I could apply a corrosive gel to a conduit, it would appear a simple malfunction caused a rupture, nobody would be to blame; conduit ruptures happen. The only problem I see is how to get Neelix to the plasma coolant and make sure it's in a confined space and nobody else gets hurt. There's no plasma coolant conduits in the mess hall or anywhere near his quarters."

"Jeffries tube?" Chakotay suggested.

B'Elanna's eyes lit up, "Yes, that would be a good way, should be easy enough to find some vomit to throw in one of them and then tell him and his toothbrush to get in there and clean it up. Oh, but the Jeffries tubes all have plasma leak detectors that can't be disabled, the tube would automatically vent into space as soon as they detected the coolant leak… and unfortunately, the vents aren't large enough to suck that little maggot into space too."

Kathryn smiled and nodded, "B'Elanna, when I was at the academy in basic engineering class, I recall some poor cadet being put on report for leaving something lying in front of the emergency vents in a Jeffries tube; the instructor said how dangerous that was as it could cause the vent to jam up and not open properly in the event of an emergency. Is that true?"

"I don't know for sure, but I was always taught that too- never leave anything lying near the emergency plasma evacuation vents. If we stick something in there and jam it up good, I can still attach a hose to the coupler valve and safely vent the tube manually after he's dead and it would look like that idiot Neelix was to blame for blocking the automatic vent. Pure genius! Say, Captain, that Cadet's name wouldn't have been Janeway, would it?"

She shook her head and laughed, "No, B'Elanna, I'd never do anything that stupid, what ever gave you that idea?"

"How many demerits did you get?" Chakotay asked quickly.

"Fifty." She looked up and realized she'd been had. "Damn you, Chakotay!"

"Touché, Kathryn, and what did you leave in front of the vent?"

She hung her head in shame, "Thermos of coffee, got fifty more demerits for having that."

The four carefully laid out plans for Neelix's demise and the "accident" was set to happen in three more days, with all agreeing that Neelix should live long enough to clean up all the mess. B'Elanna would apply a corrosive gel to the plasma conduit to structurally weaken it and Kathryn would insure that Neelix was inside the Jeffries tube cleaning it a few minutes before the gel caused a rupture.

When the big day finally arrived Janeway checked with B'Elanna to confirm everything was set and hit her com badge, "Janeway to Neelix."

"Neelix here, Captain. I do so hope you're feeling better, I thought you looked much brighter this morning, so very pretty indeed!"

"Cut the crap, Neelix, brown nosing doesn't work with me and I still feel awful and so do more than half the people on this ship. Have you finished cleaning the bedpans yet?"

"Well, Captain, not quite, there's so many of them you know, and I had to go get a sweeper to clean up the pieces."

"Pieces?"

"Oh, so sorry, Captain, I broke a few of them. Well, maybe two or eight or so, two dozen at the most."

"Neelix, they're made of metal, how did you manage to break them?"

"Oh, just a little accident, Captain."

She shook her head and rubbed her temple. "Uh huh. Well, meet me in engineering, Jeffries tube seven, in five minutes, I have another little job for you."

"Oh, please, Captain, I'm exhausted, couldn't I do it tomorrow? I haven't had any sleep for three days now… and it's uh… well… it's a Talaxian religious holiday today, Ma'am."

"Three days you say? What a coincidence Mr. Neelix, I couldn't keep any solid food down for three days as well. You now have four minutes to get to engineering. Janeway out."

Kathryn stood by the entrance to the Jeffries tube and nervously waited, if Neelix were late, the conduit would blow too soon and ruin their plan. Neelix arrived huffing and puffing from running all the way there. He really did look like he was about to drop from exhaustion, but any twinge of sympathy quickly dissipated as Janeway scratched at the angry oozing rash on her backside.

"Neelix, there's vomit in that Jeffries tube, get in there and clean it up." She reached into her pocket, "And, oh, you might want to use this." She handed him a bright orange toothbrush along with the bottle of cleaner and a rag.

He examined the toothbrush closely and grinned, "My, what a cute little Jeffries tube brush!"

"It's a toothbrush, Mr. Neelix."

He laughed as he opened the Jeffries tube hatch and climbed in, "You Terrans think of everything, a little brush just for teeth, imagine that!" As the hatch snapped shut, Kathryn leaned against it for extra measure as she heaved a sigh of relief that Voyager's worst problem would soon be history.

B'Elanna arrived, smiling broadly as she jammed up the handle on the hatch with a hyper spanner for good measure. "That's it, Captain, in a few more minutes our worst nightmare will be gone!" They giggled as they hugged each other. "Want to come in my office and wait, I've got cream of wheat, tastes good and stays down!"

They chatted as they walked to B'Elanna's office and ate their cream of wheat. "B'Elanna, what about the coolant leak alarm, did you disable it?"

"Funniest thing, Captain, it's offline for maintenance. Don't worry, since we're powered down and half the crew's still on the mend, I only have three people on duty down here this late and I just sent two of them up to the bridge to fix all the squeaky chairs. Kamara is watching the board, she's been on doubles for five days straight and she always falls asleep on duty anyhow, biggest dunderhead I've got, so she won't notice anything. Tom's up on the bridge, Harry was exhausted and Tom's feeling better, so he volunteered to take a shift so that poor Harry could get some rest. Where's Chakotay?"

"He wanted to come, but he's having hard time getting over this. We were playing Bridge after dinner and he fell asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake him, I figured he needs the rest."

"Playing Bridge, is that what you guys call it? Aawww that's cute! Tom and I call it 'docking a shuttle'." B'Elanna giggled, "More cream of wheat?"

"Please. Maybe some evening you and Tom could come and play Bridge with us?"

B'Elanna's face took on a look of terror. "Uh, Ma'am, Tom and I, we like to be alone, I mean we really like you and the big guy, but I don't think we'd be into something with other people, you know?"

"B'Elanna, there's no need to be embarrassed, Chakotay and I would be glad to teach you, we're really very good, we do it a lot, almost every night."

"I'm sure you do, but a four way isn't my style."

"Oh, but B'Elanna, it's so much more fun with four people!"

"Yes, Ma'am I'm sure it is, if you're into that sort of thing."

"Well, give it some thought, we don't have to play Bridge, there are lots of other card games."

B'Elanna was confused, "You mean cards, like aces and kings and queens?" Kathryn nodded. "Sorry, Ma'am, I thought you meant, well, something else. You two really just… play cards when you're alone together?"

"Yes, B'Elanna, what did you think I meant?"

"Uh, nothing, Ma'am."

"I've never heard of 'docking a shuttle', maybe you and Tom could teach us to play that?"

"Uh, yeah, sounds like you guys could use a few lessons. Well, I think it's been long enough, care to take a walk and go inspect the Jeffries tubes?"

B'Elanna and Kathryn nonchalantly walked along the corridor, taking their time, as they laughed about performing the greatest public service the Delta Quadrant had ever known. When they arrived at the hatch, B'Elanna pulled the hyper spanner out and manually evacuated the Jeffries tube. Kathryn opened the hatch and peeked in. Neelix was sprawled on the floor, near the emergency vent, the orange toothbrush still tightly clenched in his right hand. B'Elanna poked at his foot with her hyper spanner, but he didn't move.

"Aw, he's much cuter dead, Captain!"

Janeway grabbed a foot, "Here, grab his other foot and help me pull him out, we have to be sure he's dead before we call sickbay and report the 'accident'. Oh my gosh, he's heavy, I don't think we can manage to drag him out, we have to be sure he's dead."

B'Elanna reassured her, "Don't worry, Captain, he has to be dead, nobody can survive being exposed to plasma coolant that long. Let's just wait a couple minutes and then call sick bay, make sure he's good and stiff first!" B'Elanna grabbed a foot and tried to flex his knee, "See, he's getting stiff already!"

Kathryn rubbed her chin, "I don't know, I'd feel better if I were sure he's dead. I'm going to crawl up in there and take a look, I don't want to take any chances that he's not so far gone that the doctor could possibly revive him. Help me in, B'Elanna."

B'Elanna pushed Kathryn up into the cramped Jeffries tube and she scooted along until she was lying beside Neelix. She thought she saw his chest move and watched it for awhile, but it didn't move. She poked him several times, getting no response. Finally she leaned on top of him and put her ear to his face to see if she could detect any breath sounds. As she did, Neelix startled and grabbed her as he scrambled, flipping her onto her back, and he landed solidly on top of her. Kathryn screamed and struggled in surprise as she stared into two bright orange eyes, unfortunately still very much alive.

"Hello, Captain! Seems I dozed off for a moment. I must have been dreaming, I've always had this dream about waking up with you under me, now I see it's come true!" he giggled.

"MISTER NEELIX!" Kathryn screamed as she struggled to get free. "Get up off of me NOW!" Neelix scrambled to get off of her, but the tight confines of the Jeffries tube had them solidly wedged, and his efforts only served to grope her body most unpleasantly. "Watch your hands, Neelix! B'Elanna, he's alive, dammit, we're stuck, go get help NOW!"

Neelix smiled, "It's OK, Captain, they'll get us out and anyway, we so seldom get to spend any time together, so today's your lucky day! You see, Captain, I was in here cleaning like you told me and a plasma coolant conduit ruptured. For some reason the emergency vent was all jammed up with self sealing-stem bolts and wouldn't open. Lucky for me I can hold my breath a long time and I used the handle of the toothbrush you gave me to pry the bolts out and open up the emergency vent to clear the plasma coolant just in the nick of time."

"Ugh, is that how you did it?" Janeway lamented.

"Yes, indeed, Captain, and it sure is a good thing you gave me this toothbrush, it saved my life! Oh, you're my hero, I love you, Captain Janeway!"

Kathryn moaned as she struggled against Neelix's weight, "Oh joy! Mr. Neelix, watch your hands and can you please move that damn toothbrush, it's poking me."

"Uh, that's not the toothbrush, Captain Janeway."

Kathryn poured herself a cup of coffee and sat on her sofa. "Well, unfortunately I have the distinct displeasure of welcoming you all to the second meeting of the Die Neelix Die Society. As I'm sure you've heard, despite our carefully laid plans, that furry little weasel is still alive. To make matters worse, he credits me for saving his life, in fact he thinks he's in love with me now, he's even apparently having erotic fantasies about me. If I didn't know the true meaning of nausea before, I most certainly do now!"

"Ewww, Captain, that's gross!" said B'Elanna as she scrunched up her face. "So, what is plan B?"

Janeway sighed, "Unfortunately, I don't have a plan B, so I need ideas. Kes, you know him better than we do, what would you suggest?"

"I can tell you that the reason your first plan failed is because Neelix can hold his breath for a really long time, several minutes, so anything involving exposure to toxic gas or suffocation probably won't work. I'm sorry I missed the last meeting, I could have saved you the trouble. He can't swim and he's terribly afraid of water, is there any way to drown him?"

Tom had a thought, "We could run that tropical resort program in the holodeck and drown him in the pool; that would look like an accident!"

Chakotay got excited, "Yeah, and after he's dead we could stay and have a real pool party, after what we've been through, we deserve it!"

"I hate to rain on your parade, people," B'Elanna interrupted, "but you're forgetting the holodecks are all offline because Jenny Delaney barfed into the control panel and shorted it out. I've still only got a skeleton crew, the panel's a mess, has to be totally redone, it'll be week at least before the holodecks are up and running again; I don't want to wait that long." She thought for a moment, "What about the hot tub, that's in operation and, if we take the seats out, it's almost two meters deep, over his head."

Kes was skeptical, "I don't know, he's most afraid of moving water, he's never even been to the hot tub, I doubt you'd get him in it."

Tom raised his eyebrows, "What if we told him Captain

Janeway was in it alone… naked? I bet he'd come running!"

"Mr. Paris, really!"

"No, not really, Ma'am," Tom went on, "all we have to do is tell him you're naked, as long as your shoulders are bare he wouldn't know you've got something on under the water, B'Elanna has a swim suit like that you could borrow. Once you have him in the tub, just get out, turn the jets up to high and leave him, he'll drown, just like flushing him down the toilet… and considering what he just put us through, that'd be most appropriate!"

Janeway wasn't convinced, "But couldn't he just hold on to the sides until someone rescued him or he managed to climb out?"

B'Elanna smiled, "Not if I grease 'em up with turbo shaft lube, slipperiest stuff on the ship, nobody can get a grip on anything coated with that and it's not water soluble. When you leave, just put the out of service sign on the door, that way nobody will go in, no chance that he'd be rescued."

"But then, how will I be able to climb out?" asked Janeway.

"Oh!" replied B'Elanna as she sank back into her chair. "That could be a problem, Ma'am, we wouldn't want you to drown."

An idea struck Chakotay, "What if I go in and say there's some sort of problem, alien ship approaching or something like that, and pull you out of the tub and leave him in it. Wouldn't that work?"

Janeway was still skeptical, "I suppose, but the thought of being in the same tub of water with him just makes my skin crawl, but I guess I'm the best bait we have and I'll have to make the sacrifice."

"One that we'll all appreciate, Captain," Kes said as she grinned sadistically from ear to ear.

B'Elanna pulled Kathryn up from her chair, "C'mon, I'll go get you that swim suit and then I'll get down and take the hot tub out of service, pull out the seats and grease it up good. Tom will take care of getting Neelix down there and Chakotay will be right down the corridor and he'll go in a minute or two after Neelix gets in the tub and he'll pull you out. This plan will work, it's great, it's a guaranteed Ta Ta Talaxian!"

On Chakotay's signal that Neelix had taken the bait and was on his way, Kathryn slipped into the hot tub and nervously began to tread water, thankful that she was a strong swimmer and could tread water for hours. She tested the sides and found that they were indeed too slippery to get a grip, no one could possibly climb out. Feeling confident that the plan would work, she began to relax and enjoy the hot tub.

Neelix entered and was hesitant at first, but Kathryn finally coaxed him into the tub, showing him a little skin and assuring him he would be safe and she'd enjoy his company now that they were such "good friends". The swimsuit that B'Elanna had lent her was little more than two thin strips of cloth, so she was careful to stay under the water, mortified about the prospect of anyone seeing her in it. Since Neelix couldn't swim, he had brought along an inflatable swim ring and had it around his chest, definitely stupid looking with it's rubber duckie pattern, and an unanticipated glitch in their otherwise well laid plans.

Kathryn was engaged in repelling Neelix's amorous chatter as Chakotay barged in the door. "Captain, sorry to disturb you, but the comm system's down again, we have a red alert, three Borg cubes heading straight towards the planet. Here, let me give you a hand out of the tub, Ma'am."

Kathryn swam over to Neelix before leaving and smiled as she patted his arm, "So sorry, Neelix, duty calls, but feel free to stay as long as you'd like!"

Chakotay pulled Kathryn from the tub, helped her put her robe on and they left quickly, turning up the jets up to maximum and putting the out of service sign on the door before they rushed off down the corridor. Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks and wretched into a potted plant.

Chakotay put his arm around her, "Oh no, Kathryn, are you sick again?"

She wiped her mouth on her sleeve and giggled, "No, Neelix was wearing a thong, oh my gosh you should have seen him, it was horrible! I knew I'd lose my dinner over that, but I didn't want to hurl in the hot tub. I'm fine now, but if you'd seen it, you'd be tossing your cookies too, my dear."

"Oh, poor Kathryn, I don't even want to imagine that! Kathryn, he had a swim ring, what about that? It'll keep him floating, he won't drown!"

"No it won't," she grinned wickedly, "When I patted his arm, I poked a hole in it with a hairpin. I bet you'll never tease me about my bun of steel again!"

He kissed her cheek and hugged her, "Never again, I promise." Chakotay grabbed the lapel of her robe and tugged at it, "Any way I can get another look at you in that swimsuit you're almost wearing? Boy do you look good, Kathryn!"

She slapped his hand away, "No way, I'm mortified Neelix saw me in it, it certainly doesn't leave very much to the imagination."

He put his arm around her shoulder as they walked towards the turbolift, "Well, Kathryn, he doesn't deserve it, but if you in that teeny weenie bikini is the last thing Neelix saw, I'm sure he'll die a happy man."

The next morning at breakfast Kathryn got her tray and sat with Tom, B'Elanna and Chakotay. They immediately pounced, asking her if she had heard anything.

"No, not a word, but I don't know if that's good news or bad. The doctor would of course have to immediately inform me of any fatalities and he hasn't, so I'm worried."

Chakotay patted her arm reassuringly, "Don't worry, I'm sure he's dead, it's just that nobody's found the body yet. Nobody likes Neelix, so it's not like anyone would go looking for him if he were missing."

"I guess," replied Kathryn as she nervously played with her eggs. Tom and B'Elanna tried to cheer her up by detailing the plans they'd made for an elaborate "wake" to celebrate Neelix's death . They were interrupted with shouts and screams and the sound of wretching and vomit once again flowing. Kathryn bolted from the table and ran to the middle of the mess hall to see what all the commotion was about, fearing that another bout of food poisoning had reared its ugly head.

"Captain Janeway, there you are!" Neelix raced to her, took her into his arms and hugged her so hard her feet left the floor as he spun her around. "Oh, Captain, I never thought I'd see you again!"

"Mister Neelix, please! Neelix, you're getting me all wet!" Janeway shouted as she tried to extract herself from his soggy embrace. Her crew was terrified and plastered themselves to the walls in horror at the sight of a very wrinkled and soggy Neelix, clad only in his tiny thong. "Will someone please get him a robe, a tablecloth, anything?"

Neelix held onto Kathryn's hand tightly as he related his tale to the crew in the mess hall. He told of how he became trapped in the hot tub, how his swim ring suddenly developed a leak and he had spent the entire night spinning around in the center of the hot tub and wasn't rescued until Crewman Chell arrived to clean it in the morning. As he reached the end of his story he again put his arms around Kathryn and hugged her tightly as he concluded: "So, you see, my friends, I can't swim, so I stood on my tippy toes, swirling 'round and 'round in the center of the tub and I thought I was going to die because the water was above my nose, until I remembered I had this!" he exclaimed as he held up the bright orange toothbrush. "The handle is hollow so I used it like a straw and stuck it above the water and was able to breathe through it all night long until I was rescued. If Captain Janeway hadn't given me this lucky toothbrush that's saved my life twice in the last two days, well, I'd be dead now." Neelix again hugged Kathryn, picking her up off the floor and spinning her around. "Oh, thank you Captain Janeway, once again you saved my life, I love you!" He kissed her soundly on the lips and ran from the mess hall, waving his orange toothbrush in the air and yodeling a Talaxian love song.

Stunned, soggy and nauseous, Kathryn stood frozen in the center of the mess hall as her crew looked on, not believing what they had just witnessed. A voice from somewhere in the crowd shouted, "Hey, everyone, did you hear that? Cap'n Janeway saved Neelix's life- twice!" Kathryn fell to the floor and ducked for cover as her crew pelted her with muffins.

Chakotay pulled her up and picked pieces of muffin from her hair as he hugged her in the now empty mess hall. "Look on the bright side, Kathryn, if Neelix had made these muffins, you'd probably have a concussion now. Don't worry, we'll have another meeting after dinner tonight and come up with a new plan, a better one."

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I have the distinct displeasure of welcoming you to the third meeting of the Die Neelix Die Society."

"Hey, Captain, got any muffins?"

"Very funny, Mr. Paris! Thanks to that little debacle in the mess hall this morning, more than a dozen crewmen have invited me to a hot tub party this evening, so now they all want to drown me I'm sure. I never thought I'd have to walk around on my own ship armed with a phaser."

Tom tried to reassure her, "Oh no, Captain, that's not it at all, they don't want to drown you, quite the opposite in fact. It seems Neelix has been going around all day giving a rather detailed and colorful description of what you look like in a bikini!"

She buried her face in her hands and moaned. "Shut up, Mr. Paris, or they're going to be talking about how you look in it when you have to wear it for your next duty shift on the bridge!"

"Aye aye, Captain." Tom sank back in his chair as B'Elanna giggled.

"So, that brings me to Plan C, any suggestions?" They discussed various options: rigging a turbolift to fall, electrocution, strangling him with his thong, sending him out to degauss the hull in a leaky spacesuit, and were deep into discussion for a staged suicide when the com system interrupted them.

"Janeway here. What is it, Mr. Tuvok?"

"Sorry to interrupt you, Captain, however a survey team has just arrived back from the planet and they brought with them a container of highly poisonous snakes so that the doctor might extract their venom and use it to develop an anti-venom serum, should any of the crew ever be bitten, as most poisonous Delta Quadrant snakes possess venom of similar chemical composition."

"That's fine, Mr. Tuvok, but I don't really need to be informed of the doctor's research, I'm… in a meeting right now."

"I am aware of that, Captain, however I just thought you should know that the container of snakes is located in cargo bay three," Tuvok cleared his throat as he raised an eyebrow, "should you be in need of anything poisonous and deadly, Captain."

Kathryn's face took on a broad smile, "Yes, Mr. Tuvok, thank you for informing me of that, thank you very much!"

"Indeed, Captain. Tuvok out."

"How did he find out? Obviously he knows what we're up to." Chakotay said as he inventoried the stunned faces in the room.

Janeway grabbed her PADD and started making notes, "Obviously… and obviously he doesn't have a problem with it! There isn't a damn thing that goes on on this ship that Tuvok doesn't know about, that's why he's my Chief of Security!," Janeway bragged. "Well, since we've just been handed plan C on a silver platter, I suggest we get to work. Kes, what time does Neelix usually go to bed?"

"Pretty early, Captain, since he's used to getting up so early to fix breakfast. He usually goes to bed 2100 at the latest. If we wait until 2200, he's sure to be asleep and he's a very sound sleeper."

"Good, we'll meet outside his quarters at 2200 then. Tom, you're in charge of the snakes, go to the cargo bay and use a phaser to stun them and bring the container up. We'll dump them in his quarters, disable the doors and then we can have a nightcap, I'll break out a bottle of wine I've been saving. Kes, you know the access code to his door, right?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"And, B'Elanna, you can disable his doors so he can't get out, right?"

"No problem, Captain, and I can also disable his comm system so he can't call for help, he's as good as dead, his magic toothbrush won't save him this time."

The next morning they again met for breakfast, encouraged by the news that no one had seen Neelix since last night. At lunchtime Chakotay noted that Neelix hadn't show up for duty, another good sign. A crewman three doors down from Neelix had reported a foul odor in the corridor, that was good too as B'Elanna had adjusted the temperature in his quarters to maximum to make the cold blooded snakes more active. As bad as Neelix smelled alive, he'd be sure to be much worse dead.

Chakotay filled his dinner tray and joined Tom and B'Elanna at their usual table. Tom took his feet off the chair across from him so that Chakotay could sit as he asked, "Where's the Captain?"

"She couldn't stand the suspense any longer, she went to go check on him and make sure it worked. Don't worry, she took a phaser, she's a farm girl, she knows how to deal with snakes."

Kathryn rushed in, got her dinner tray and slammed it down on the table as she lamented, "He's alive!". Word spread around the mess hall quickly and she ducked under the table as she was pelted with popovers.

B'Elanna looked up in disbelief as she cleared the rolls off the table. "How, Captain, how's that possible? What'd he do with all those snakes?"

"He said they were delicious. Apparently, he rounded them up and cooked them, seems snakes are a great Talaxian delicacy and that little mottled mongoose has a way with them."

"Ew, that's terrible!" said Tom as he wrinkled up his nose.

"It gets worse, it seems he took a liking to one of the snakes and he's keeping it as a pet, he's named it Kathryn." Tom laughed hysterically. "I'm glad you find that so funny, Mr. Paris. Oh, and those chicken nuggets you're eating, well, he had leftovers, so they aren't exactly chicken."

Tom gagged, put his hand over his mouth and ran from the mess hall screaming "It's not chicken, it's snake!"

"Weenie!" B'Elanna exclaimed as she scooped Tom's nuggets onto her tray and stuffed them into her mouth. "Bet you're glad you're a vegetarian, Chak. Incoming!" B'Elanna and Chakotay dove under the table as Kathryn was pelted with a volley of snake McNuggets.

When B'Elanna and Chakotay sat back up Kathryn got up and smiled as she brushed the nuggets off her uniform. As she walked away she turned and grinned. "I'll see you all in my quarters at 2000 and, oh, by the way, B'Elanna, he keeps his lucky toothbrush safety tucked into the front of his underpants… and he used it to baste the snakes."

Three more days passed, along with three more failed attempts. Having Neelix clean inside an airlock that accidentally opened to space seemed so simple, however he was able to hold his breath long enough to glide his way along Voyager's hull and use his toothbrush to pry the grating off the exhaust manifold and climb back in through it. Accidentally shoving him down an empty turbolift shaft was working well, until his bright pink and purple plaid jacket caught on a conduit and broke his fall. B'Elanna had rigged his shower to electrocute him the next time it was activated, but unfortunately the rumors that Neelix hadn't bathed since his first day on Voyager seemed to in fact be quite true.

Totally dejected, Kathryn trudged into the mess hall for breakfast the next day and again sat with her friends. Used to it by now, they all ducked under the table as the crew pelted Janeway with a barrage of whatever projectile was being served that morning.

Tom scraped off the remains of a jelly donut that had clipped him on the shoulder. "No offense, Captain, but do you think you could sit at another table from now on?"

"I'm sorry, I've tried to get them to stop, but what do I do, throw them all in the brig? Anyway, I deserve it, I've bungled up what should be a simple little task so many times, they're calling me Calamity Janeway now; I've even been compared to Neelix for my ineptitude. I just heard Neelix is very much alive again this morning. Crewman Chell stopped me and told me on my way here, and I'm on his hit list too because it seems Neelix has taken a liking to the hot tub and Chell's complaining that the filter is all clogged up with orange hair every morning. This is a nightmare!"

Chakotay discretely rubbed her thigh under the table, "There, there, Kathryn, not everyone hates you, just most of them." He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I still love you, Kathryn."

Kathryn managed a pathetic smile in return as she crunched at her toast and sipped her coffee. "Does anyone know why our little plan last night failed?"

"Yeah," B'Elanna replied, "I heard from the Delaney sisters, he used that damn toothbrush you gave him to short out the controls and get out of the escape pod before he suffocated."

"Oh?" Kathryn sighed. "Well, 2000 tonight, we come up with another plan, one of them has to work, we know that Talaxian twit has more lives than the proverbial cat, but he has to run out of luck sooner or later. Chakotay, maybe you could sneak into his quarters while he's asleep tonight and steal that toothbrush, maybe that would end his lucky streak?"

"No way, Kathryn, I know where he keeps it! Maybe **YOU **could sneak in there and steal it?"

Kathryn threw her toast back on her tray and got up from the table. "Somehow my appetite's been ruined, I'll see you all this evening… and please try to think of something by then so I don't have to wear a helmet to breakfast tomorrow."

B'Elanna waited for Kathryn to walk away before saying, "Maybe I could build her a little deflector dish she could mount on top of her bun?"

"That's not very funny, B'E!" Chakotay chastised, "She's very upset she hasn't been able to get rid of Neelix yet. I know the crew doesn't really hate her, but she's getting pretty depressed about it even if she doesn't show it, she feels she's letting the crew down. Let's try to help her and come up with a foolproof plan, OK?"

"Yes, Sir, I'm sorry, I didn't realize she was so upset. I'll do my best to think up something. Hey, Chak, we'll have the replicators back online by tonight, why don't we replicate a really nice dinner and surprise her at 1900? You can make sure she's in her quarters then and doesn't go to the mess hall, right?"

"Yes. That's a good idea, use my replicator rations, dinner's on me!"

"Will do, send me a message to let me know what she'd like, see you later."

Kathryn's surprise dinner had the desired effect and cheered her up immensely. Kes had replicated a little cake in the shape of Neelix for dessert and Kathryn got the honors of chopping his head off. Chakotay served it up to her on a silver platter as the rest of Neelix was drawn and quartered and enjoyed with ice cream and coffee.

After dinner they brainstormed for several hours, but just couldn't come up with a plan to do away with Neelix. It seemed like such a simple job, but Neelix always seemed to come up with a way to defeat their best laid plans and they were really starting to think that his toothbrush did have some sort of magical protective powers. Deciding that the least they could do was to continue to make his life a living hell, they came up with a lengthy list of unpleasant tasks for Neelix to complete the next day and called it a night.

The next morning Kathryn arrived on the bridge bright and early and, satisfied that all was well, retired to her ready room. Most of the crew had fully recovered and was enjoying shore leave on the planet, so the activity level onboard Voyager was minimal. She consulted the star charts they had available on this region of space in order to chart Voyager's course when she got underway in another two days. Kathryn had skipped breakfast in the mess hall, tired of being pelted with baked goods and having to face the disappointment of her crew. As her stomach gnawed at her, she finally relented and ordered some food from the replicator and decided to enjoy it on the sofa as she took a moment to feast on the sight of the beautiful Earth-like planet below them.

Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks as she saw a vase of the most extraordinary flowers placed in the center of her coffee table. They were real flowers, not replicated, so someone obviously went to a lot of trouble to go down to the planet, pick them and arrange them so beautifully. She removed the little heart shaped card from the bouquet and read it aloud: "To the woman who fills my heart with more beauty than any flower could ever possess. Ill be there at 2000 with champagne and strawberries. I love you." The card was unsigned, but she recognized Chakotay's distinctive handwriting, so she took a flower from the vase and rubbed it against her face as she thought about him. He was always so kind, so thoughtful, and he always knew the perfect little gift to cheer her up and, she giggled to herself, he also knew what champagne did to her.

Kathryn ate lunch in her ready room and finally got caught up on all the work that had gone undone while she wasn't feeling well. When she finished she relaxed on the sofa with a cup of coffee and, still not fully recovered, fell asleep for well over an hour. When she awoke and saw how late it was, she ran for the mess hall, afraid she had missed dinner. Chakotay was sitting and having tea with Harry Kim as they went over his ops report in the near deserted mess hall, so Kathryn joined them.

"Hello, Captain, you look like you're feeling better." greeted Harry.

"Thank you, Mr. Kim, I thought I was, but I have to confess I just woke up, seems I fell asleep in my ready room."

Chakotay picked up his PADD and pretended to make a note "Captain Janeway on report, falling asleep on duty. Too bad you got here so late, the Delaney sisters made some sort of pasta salad thing that was delicious, but it's long gone. I figured you were working through dinner, otherwise I would have saved you some."

Harry got up from the table, "Well, speaking of the Delaney sisters, we're going down to the planet, so I had better get going. I'll see you both tomorrow, Sir, Ma'am."

Chakotay patted him on the back as he left, "Have a good time Harry, but behave yourself! Kathryn, if you're not feeling well, maybe we should skip tonight?"

She rubbed his knee with hers under the table, "Not a chance, Chakotay, and thank you for the little surprise in my ready room."

"You're welcome, Kathryn, I'm glad you enjoyed them. Oops, Harry forget his PADD, I'll catch up with him and I'll see you later, OK?"

"You can count on it!" Kathryn ate her dinner as she contemplated what to wear. Chakotay was old fashioned and liked her in a dress, so that much had been decided. She thought about her green velvet dress, adorned with lace her grandmother had hand crocheted; she loved it, but it was just a tad too matronly. Imagining her closet as she ate, she took out her slinky little black dress, very delicious, but the back was too low and she still had the scaly remnants of that awful rash on her lower back; the black dress was out. Next up for consideration was that little red number she picked up on Annatax Prime, no, it barely had a front, left nothing to the imagination at all, why did she ever buy that thing? She finally decided on her sapphire blue dress, classic and elegant, but also slightly sexy and Chakotay so loved her in blue.

Kathryn went to her quarters, tidied up and took a nice long bath in her favorite bubble bath. She put on the blue dress and decided to leave her hair down, he liked it that way. She glanced at the chronometer, 1955, five minutes to go. Kathryn lit some candles as she spied a half finished cup of coffee sitting on her end table. She grabbed it to take it to the recycler, but she bumped into the coffee table on the way, causing her to spill coffee all over the skirt of her dress. "Don't panic, Kathryn, you still have four minutes, just go change." She slid her meager selection of dresses down the rod in the closet, "Three minutes, he's never late, just pick one, Kath!" She peeled off the blue dress and tossed it onto the floor of the closet. "Oh, what the hell!" she exclaimed as she took off her bra and slid into the red dress. She looked at herself in the mirror as the door chime sounded, "Oh my!" She did her best to adjust the front of the dress for maximum coverage and patted it to her chest, "You two just remember to stay tucked in there, OK?" Kathryn flew to the sofa and sat, fanning her skirt out around her as she commanded "Come."

"The moons of Meepzor could not rival such beauty, you are truly a vision, my love."

"MISTER NEELIX!" Kathryn gasped, unable to force more than two words out of her mouth.

"Who else were you expecting?" He sat the tray of strawberries on the coffee table next to the vase of flowers and began opening the champagne. "I must say I'm impressed, you really do look lovely, Captain Janeway, or should I say Kathryn?"

"Call me anything but Captain Janeway and I'll rip that furry little tongue right out of your mouth. Mr. Neelix, obviously there's some sort of misunderstanding here!"

He handed her a glass of champagne and sat beside her. "No, there's no misunderstanding, that dress explains everything. Strawberry my little love nymph?"

Kathryn leaned forward and put her glass on the coffee table. "Neelix, this is most inappropriate, I suggest you leave."

"Oh my, those really are the moons of Meepzor!"

Kathryn gasped, tucked herself back into her dress and grabbed a throw pillow to hold over her chest. With her arms unavailable to defend herself, Neelix leaned in and stole a kiss.

Taken off guard, Kathryn choked and gagged as she fought to breathe. "Neelix, oh my gawd, your breath, stop that right now and get out of here or I'll call security!"

"No need for that, I'll just pop into your bathroom and brush my teeth and make my breath fresh as a tolalamix gringe! I'd never thought of cleaning my teeth, but if it will make you happy, I'll do it for you, anything for you, just stay there and think romantic thoughts and I'll be right back, my little sweeting!" Neelix hummed as he skipped off to the bathroom.

Kathryn took a moment to compose herself as the door chime sounded. "Come!" she barked as she got up off the sofa.

Chakotay entered and held out a small box, "Kathryn, sorry I'm late, I'm here to show you how…" His tongue stopped dead in its tracks as he surveyed the room: the candles and soft music, the flowers, the tray of strawberries, 2 glasses of champagne and oh that red dress! His heart fell to the floor as he mumbled, "Sorry, I didn't know you had company," and turned to leave.

Kathryn ran to him and threw herself into his arms. "Oh, Chakotay, am I glad to see you, Neelix is here and he won't leave. He's in the bathroom now, oh, please help me to get rid of him."

He stepped back and took a good look at her. "Well, Kathryn, with you dressed like that, why would he leave?"

"No, Chakotay, no! It's not what you think, this was for you. I got the flowers and the note and all and I even thanked you at dinner, remember?"

Chakotay rubbed his chin as his mind raced to straighten things out. "Yes, I remember, but I didn't give you flowers, Kathryn, I left you some chocolates and a bracelet in your top desk drawer. That's what I thought you were talking about when you thanked me and when I said I'd be here tonight at 2000, it was to show you this," he opened the small box containing colorful threads and beads, "how to make braided bracelets, you said you wanted to learn."

She hugged him again, "Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry, I guess I didn't open my desk drawer today, I didn't see the chocolates and the bracelet." She took the note from the flowers and handed it to him. "Here, see, I thought these were from you, it's even in your handwriting." She heard Neelix rummaging around in her bathroom. "Please, you've got to get him out of here, he's infatuated, he… wants to kiss me, he went to brush his teeth."

Chakotay looked at the note. "It is my handwriting, Kathryn, but I wrote this days ago. I intended to beam down to the planet and pick you a bouquet of flowers, but I got sick and didn't get the chance, so I put this note in the box beside my bed where I keep all the cards and personal little love notes you've written to me, intending to use it later. Oh, I bet he read them all, that furry little fungoid!

Neelix emerged from the bathroom yodeling a merry tune as he waved his toothbrush in the air and smiled. "All done, my love, minty fresh! Ah, my little red vixixnix, ready to show me those glorious moons of Meepzor again, my luscious strawberry sweeting?" Neelix puckered his lips and walked towards Kathryn, but was startled to see Chakotay there and stopped before his lips met their mark. "Uh… Commander Chakotay, what are you doing here?"

"Telling you to leave, Neelix. Captain Janeway does not want you here, this is totally insubordinate and inappropriate and I have a good mind to throw you in the brig, after I rearrange your spots!"

Neelix began stammering as he danced towards the door, "No need for that, Commander, I was just uh… leaving, yes that would be it, I was leaving."

Kathryn heaved a sigh of relief as the doors slid shut and sank onto the sofa. "Thank you so much, I think that just became the worst experience of my life. Oh, Chakotay, why didn't you grab that damn toothbrush when you had the chance?"

"It had just been in his mouth, Kathryn, do you think I'd want to touch it?… and never mind where it was before it was in his mouth!"

"Ewwww!" she shrieked, "not a pretty picture! I'm sorry, Chakotay, I really thought the invitation was from you, I didn't expect him and then I couldn't get rid of him. Oh, it seems now I can't even get him out of my quarters, much less kill him. What ever am I going to do?"

He put his arm around her and hugged her shoulder. "Don't worry, Kathryn, we'll find a way."

"I suppose. Well, it would be a shame to let all these strawberries and this champagne go to waste, wouldn't it. Care to join me?"

He picked up a strawberry and fed it to her. "Yes, Kathryn, and it would also be a shame to let that red dress go to waste too. Champagne?"

"Thank you, and don't worry, he didn't touch it. Shall we toast to Neelix's untimely death?"

"I'd much rather toast to you, Kathryn, and to that dress. I can't tell you how incredibly beautiful you look!" They tapped glasses and took a sip. "Kathryn, what did Neelix mean about you showing him the moons of Meepzor, what does that mean, you didn't… moon him did you?"

"Of course not!" She blushed redder than her dress and then giggled. "Well, maybe I did. I was so flustered I forgot I can't lean over in this dress and I did, to put my glass on the table, and, well, the moons came out I'm afraid. Oh, I was so embarrassed!"

He hugged her and brushed her hair back as he kissed her cheek. "It's OK, Kathryn. I really do like your hair down, you look so pretty tonight, that dress really flatters you…. and," he grinned, "I hope I can get a look at the moons of Meepzor a little bit later."

"Chakotay! You, you only have one thing on your mind, I swear!"

"Two things actually, more champagne?"

The next morning Kathryn got her breakfast tray and sat with her usual companions. "Aren't you going to duck?" she asked.

Chakotay patted her hand, "No, don't worry, they won't throw anything, so far nobody's seen Neelix, so they're still hopeful."

"But, we took a night off last night because we couldn't come up with anything. Well, what they don't know won't hurt them I guess, at least they'll like me for awhile. Don't worry, I did some thinking this morning and I have a few ideas to throw on the table tonight. Tom, B'Elanna, did you have a good time on the planet?"

Tom showed her the newly regenerated skin on his neck, "Oh, yes, Ma'am, we most certainly did! What did you two do last night?"

Chakotay grinned at Kathryn as he took a sip of his juice and then replied, "Oh, nothing much, we had a snack and made these bracelets." He and Kathryn pulled up their sleeves and showed off their matching intricately braided bracelets. "And then I finally got to see the moons of Meepzor," he said as he leaned back in his chair, clasped his hands behind his head and smiled. "Ah!"

Kathryn gasped as she choked and coffee practically came out her nose. She kicked Chakotay under the table as B'Elanna grabbed her arm and looked at the bracelet and said, "Pretty, Ma'am. Meepzor, is that the name of that planet?"

Uh, yes," Kathryn stammered, "it must be." She kicked Chakotay again, more soundly this time.

"Ouch!" Chakotay cried "Well would you look at the time, I'd better get going. I'll see you all later." Kathryn gave him a good smirk and she waved goodbye as he limped from the table.

She finished her breakfast and took her time getting to the bridge. Tuvok was at his station and greeted her. "Good morning, Captain. You look well this morning, I trust you are feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you, Tuvok, I feel much better this morning. Have you had a chance to run a diagnostic on the weapons systems and sensors?"

"Yes, I am quite satisfied all systems are operating within established parameters. All systems on the bridge are now at the ready, we should be able to get underway whenever you give the order."

"Very well. We'll depart tomorrow at 0900 as scheduled, I finished going over the star charts yesterday and already have our course and heading laid in. I'll be in my ready room going over the duty roster, please send Chakotay in when he gets back from engineering."

"Aye aye, Captain."

Kathryn got a cup of coffee, sat at her desk and opened her top drawer. She retrieved the chocolates and unwrapped one as she sat back and remembered what a wonderful evening she had last night, despite it not starting out well. She put the bracelet Chakotay had left for her yesterday on next to the one they'd made last night and idly twisted them around on her arm as she daydreamed. Remembering that she had a lot of work to do, she took a big gulp of coffee for fortification and snapped to it.

Several hours later her door chime sounded and Chakotay entered with a lunch tray. "Here, you didn't come to the mess hall and you always forget to eat, so I brought you something." He sat the tray on her desk and leaned across it to kiss her. Looking at the pile of chocolate wrappers on the desk, he smiled, "I guess you found them?"

"Yes, thank you. C'mon, I've been glued to this chair all morning, I'll eat on the sofa. I almost have the new duty roster for the next month finished, take a look and see what you think."

"OK, I will. Everything is fine in engineering and they'll bring the warp core back on line at 1600. For once B'Elanna is very happy about everything. We'll have to give her and Tom shore leave together more often, it really mellowed her out. Did the bracelet I left in your desk fit?"

She pulled up her sleeve and showed it to him. "Yes, perfectly, I really love it, thank you… and thank you for a wonderful evening last night, but if I ever hear you mention the moons of Meepzor again!" She shook her finger at him.

He rolled up his pant leg and showed her the large purple bruise on his shin, "Don't worry, I learned my lesson, Kathryn! Last night was wonderful and I certainly hope I get to see you in that red dress again, you truly are beautiful and I love you Kathryn."

She put down her sandwich and tenderly stroked his cheek before kissing him, "I love you too and I'm sorry about that bruise, I didn't mean to kick you that hard. It looks pretty nasty, maybe we should go to sick bay and let the doctor zap it?"

"Yeah, right. Oh, Doc, Janeway kicked the crap out of me again, can you fix it?"

"C'mon you big baby, you can just tell him you tripped over the coffee table or something, just leave the part about the moons of Meepzor out, OK?" They continued their conversation on the way to sick bay. "Chakotay, I really am sorry about the bruise, but you know I don't like to be embarrassed, I was afraid you might tell them about Neelix's visit and, you know Tom and his big mouth, the Alpha Quadrant would hear about it before dinner. Oh no, what if Neelix goes blabbing and brags that he saw the captain's you know whats!"

"Well, nobody will even get near him anymore, so I doubt he'd have anyone to tell. Vorik says he didn't show up for maintenance duty, so I think a few days in the brig might serve to keep his mouth shut and, after last night, I think he really deserves it. Do you want me to take care of it after we leave sick bay?"

"Please, I don't think I want to face him right now."

They walked into sick bay and the doctor greeted them. "Captain, I was just about to call you. I am sorry to report that it appears we apparently had a fatality last night."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay and the doctor with genuine concern, as the Die Neelix Die Society had taken the night off last night. "Who doctor, how did it happen? Were they down on the planet? Was it an accident?"

"No, Captain, it happened onboard. I'm afraid Mr. Neelix is dead, he ingested a fatal toxin."

She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand as she looked at Chakotay in confusion. "How can that be? Last night? We didn't even try to… I mean, what did he ingest?"

"Well, for some reason, Neelix decided to brush his teeth last night, undoubtedly for the first time in his life. My autopsy shows that he was apparently unaware that toothpaste should be expectorated, so he swallowed a good amount of it, it looks like he ate almost a whole tube of it in fact. It seems Neelix was quite allergic to fluoride and that is what killed him. When he didn't show up for duty after lunch, Ensign Vorik went to look for him and discovered the body in his quarters, with his toothbrush still in his hand."

"I see." Kathryn said as her heart jumped for joy, but she tried to keep a proper demeanor for appearance sake. "Doctor, please place the body in a tube, I have to get back to the bridge, I'll notify you of the… arrangements. Oh, and make sure you put that toothbrush in there too," she held her lips between her teeth to keep from smiling, "He was very fond of it."

"Very well. Captain, may I offer my condolences, I know it's difficult for you to lose a member of your crew, I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now."

"No, Doctor, I'm sure you can't." She began to laugh, but Chakotay pinched her hard enough to turn it into a sob. "We'll be on the bridge, carry on."

Kathryn and Chakotay hastily walked to the turbolift and paused it as soon as it started. Chakotay picked Kathryn up and spun her around, "You did it! You did it!" He kissed her soundly and then kissed her again for good measure.

"Oh, Chakotay, I don't know when I've ever been so happy, we're finally rid of that nauseating nuisance! Oh wait until the crew hears about this, they'll be thrilled and no worries, the doctor's convinced it was an accident. Yippee!"

After a bit more celebration they resumed the turbolift to the bridge and asked Tuvok to join them in the ready room.

Kathryn tried to contain herself as she began, "Tuvok, it seems that Neelix passed away last night, apparently he ate some toothpaste and had a severe allergic reaction to it."

A very slight smile appeared on Tuvok's face as he raised his eyebrows, "That is most… unfortunate. Captain."

"Uh, yes, quite. Tuvok, would you please take care of informing the crew?"

"Of course, Captain."

"And I suppose we'll have to have some kind of service, say at 0900 tomorrow, right before we get underway. Would you please come up with some sort of a eulogy, you know, say a few words. I know I should do it, but, quite honestly, I don't think I could keep a straight face, you know, because I'm so uh… "

"Grief stricken?" Chakotay offered.

"Indeed. Captain, is not a eulogy supposed to be where one speaks fondly of the deceased?" She nodded her head. "I believe that would be quite difficult, Captain, for I can think of nothing… fond to say about Mr. Neelix."

"Just do your best, Tuvok, maybe you could just read some Vulcan poetry, I mean a short poem, a very short one."

"As you wish, Captain. I shall do my best.'"

"You always do, thank you, Tuvok." She patted him on the back as he turned to leave.

He stopped and turned around to face her. "No, thank you, Captain Janeway, thank you very much."

As the doors slid shut Kathryn and Chakotay fell onto the couch in a fit of giggles. They called Kes, Tom and B'Elanna and let them know and they were ecstatic as well. Kes gladly volunteered to arrange a "wake" in the mess hall that evening to celebrate Neelix's death. Chakotay and Kathryn worked the rest of the afternoon to get everything done so that they could spend the night partying.

As Kathryn entered the mess hall that evening she was met with a standing ovation and hugs and pats on the back from everyone. Looking at her crew enjoying themselves, she sat back and enjoyed a glass of wine, knowing that the rest of their trip home would be much more pleasant. Neelix's quarters had already been cleared out and, to no one's surprise, many items that had disappeared over the past several years were reunited with their owners.

Kathryn was struck with terror as Crewman Chell emerged from the galley with a tray of chocolate iced cream puffs, she had learned in recent days to fear any foodstuff that was in any way suitable as a projectile. As her crew rushed towards the treats, she elbowed her way to the front and spread her arms out to block them. "Step back, that's an order!"

They stopped dead in their tracks as a voice from the crowd shouted, "We're sorry, Captain, don't worry, we just want to eat them! You're safe now, Ma'am!"

Kathryn clasped her hands behind her back and put on her sternest captain's face as she spoke. "For the last week I have had to endure being pelted by my crew with biscuits, rolls, crullers, fritters, meatballs, nuggets, the occasional waffle, you name it. In view of this insubordinate behavior and as disciplinary action, I'm keeping this tray of cream puffs all to myself… to use as ammunition!" She smiled and grabbed a handful of cream puffs and started launching them at her crew as someone yelled "Food fight!" and they all joined in.

Kathryn caught Chakotay square in the face with a cream puff and ran for cover as he came after her with one. She wasn't fast enough and he grabbed her around the waist and dragged her, kicking and screaming, under a table before he smeared the chocolate icing from his cream puff all over her face.

He laughed and kissed the chocolate off her lips, "Listen to them, Kathryn, they're having the time of their lives, isn't this great?"

She wiped the chocolate off her face with her palm and smeared it all over his face. "Yes, this is great, the mess hall's a shambles and lots of food is going to waste, Neelix would have hated it!" she laughed as she licked the chocolate off Chakotay's nose and kissed him. "What do you say we sneak out of here and go back to my quarters and get in my bathtub together and wash all this mess off?"

"That's a definite yes, but there's no sense wasting perfectly good chocolate, so come here you little vixixnix!" Chakotay grabbed Kathryn and starting kissing off the chocolate as she squirmed and shrieked with delight.

The next morning Tuvok stood at attention on the bridge and, with a marvelously stoic face, delivered a blissfully short poetry reading in Neelix's memory that hardly any of the crew attended. Kathryn politely thanked him and gave the nod to launch Neelix's tube into space. Kathryn watched as the flash disappeared into the blackness of space and looked up at Chakotay, smiling contentedly as she leaned against his shoulder.

As a blinding glare filled the bridge she jumped back and spun around to face Tactical. "Mr. Tuvok, did you just hit Neelix's tube with a photon torpedo?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Tuvok, for heaven's sake, he's dead, it's not like we can afford to waste those things!" She stepped towards him and glared at him sternly. "I'm surprised at you, Tuvok, launching a photon torpedo without my authorization, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Tuvok stood at attention and cleared his throat before speaking, "Oops."

Kathryn smiled and winked as she and Chakotay left the bridge, "Don't worry about it, Mr. Vulcan, accidents happen!"

**THE END**

Thanks to Jadie, who decided that Neelix was allergic to fluoride. If you happen to actually like Neelix, you can thank her for killing him!

The moons of Meepzor were stolen from the Coneheads, don't worry, I gave them back.


End file.
